A Risky Kiss

My soundtrack is Jonathan Richman. “I’m so Confused”, “True Love Is Not Nice”, “She’s Cracked”. Jonathan performed four nights at the Makeout Room in celebration of his latest release and I went to two of the gigs with my friend Roberta. Roberta is attractive and smart and I want to have sex with her. I want to have sex with many people. I need to catch up to my age. You know how they say, he’s 18 but his reading level is 4^th grade. I’m 38 and my sex level is 18. There are no college girls lifting their shirts for me, no frat parties that I would fit in at, or care to be at, and no one who would get my reference “no, Chuck, we didn’t have a love connection” when I talk about a date gone wrong.

I danced and sang and Jonathan commanded the audience in his goofy way.

Roberta and me ended up at a bar a few nights later and we both had a few. I started kissing on her and cuddling with her and she whispered, ‘I know you need this now’. I told you she was smart. She nibbled on my ears and I kissed her neck and we found ourselves at the house of a lady who usually has a lot of cocaine to share (remember, I’m in the music business and that’s all I can say). Lady of the cocaine didn’t offer the mountain of coke that was passed around last time, a definite reflection on the current U.S. economy.

Roberta’s friend got way too drunk, so we stopped our cuddles and nibbles and took her home. Roberta is a workmate of mine, so I could see things getting sketchy. I drop her off at her apartment and she says, “This isn’t going to be weird tomorrow, is it?”

“No, of course not,” I lied.

I seriously thought there was a chance I was heading upstairs and into the various folds of her tender parts, but no such luck.

I felt weird the next day. I felt like I shouldn’t have pawed her to death. I felt like I needed to say something. We did talk and Roberta is top on my list for beautiful and amazing people on this Earth. Will we kiss again? Maybe. But there’s no pressure either way and I don’t want to cock block her from guys she’s after and she doesn’t want to on my end. Since I have a good amount of tampons at the apartment I need to vacate so my cheating ex can move back in and live her plastic life, I’m making sure Roberta is stocked in tampons for the next few months.

Lesson learned. Don’t kiss friends, unless you really want to take it to the next level or they’re as amazing as Roberta. And there aren’t many Roberta’s on this planet, but the spark just isn’t there. No, I should say the spark is there, but not flaming enough to risk ruining a great friendship over.

Of course I still want to have sex with her. I’m a man.